Thursday, May 10, 2012

3 Ways to Get Him off your Mind

I can't tell you how many women come to see me with questions about the men who are (or are not, or are, but tenuously so) in their lives. Women from all walks of life, from wholesome to exotic, from plain to drop-dead gorgeous, college students, entrepreneurs, psychologists, models and high-powered executives, all have one very troubling thing in common: they can't get certain men out of their heads. It's like there's some weird pull that takes place, some mysterious energetic force, and the next thing you know, women are booking appointments to find out what he's thinking, if he's thinking of them, why he hasn't texted, when he'll call again, what his deal is. And each time I check out the dude, he's just, like, ho-hum. Not complex, not worried about it, and, in the case of the guy who's not returning texts or phone calls, just not really thinking too much about the woman in general.

It leads us back to the heart of the matter, which is the fact that it's just not comfortable to have someone on your mind so much. If you find yourself focusing on someone who's not as invested in you as you are in him, the healthiest thing to do is to get him out of your head. While that's easier said than done, here are 3 techniques that have worked well for me, my friends, and many of my clients:
  
1. Realize that you're building him up to be much, much more than he really is:
One of my favorite clients ever is Mina. She's a super cute, successful Asian American business woman with a petite frame, an excellent sense of style, a spark in her eyes and a great sense of humor. Mina was hooked on a guy she'd had a few dates with, but who was playing hard to get with her. When we looked into him in a session, I saw him as much less enticing than he seems. He eats TV dinners, surfs the internet too much (hint, hint), works too much, and isn't that adventurous. I worked with Mina to clear the image she has of him as the perfect partner she can't have because he's not committing to her, and to see the truth of who he really is. You can do this, too. Just think of all of his flaws, and recruit your friends to help. Years ago, I had a crush on a guy who drove the most absurd car ever. That would be my go-to image to get him off my mind. It worked.

2. Whenever he pops up in your head, replace his image with something else:
Very recently, I met with a very lovely woman who was trying to get over a really handsome man who had essentially dumped her and then immediately started dating someone else. She was so hurt, and what hurt her even more was the fact that she just couldn't get him off her mind. This technique takes a ton of effort, but it worked for her, and I know it can be done. Realize that focusing on him too much is the equivalent of watching bad TV. It's not good for you, but sometimes it can be addictive; you don't like it, but you go to it out of habit. So make a concerted effort to switch the channel in your head to something else. Think about someone you'd like more (movie stars work well here). You can also just force yourself to focus only on what you're doing; that's called mindfulness and it takes practice, so why not use this time to start? You can also imagine there's a door in your head, then shove him out of that door and shut it. Your head is your space, and he doesn't belong there.

3. Utilize this standard clairvoyant healing method to release his energy from yours:
Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and bring your attention to your third eye. Now visualize a screen out in front of you, and on that screen, create a clear rose, and ask it to fill with the color of your own true vibration. Give that rose a nice, strong stem that burrows deeply into the earth. Next, ask the rose to show you a color or colors that represent where his energy is running through your vibration. Ask those colors that represent his energy to release down the stem of the rose into the earth, and watch as they drain out of the rose. Now fill the rose up with even more of the color of your true vibration. Then imagine you're taking that rose out of the screen and hold it over your head. See it explode into a million pieces and shower your body and aura with your own true energy.
For more techniques like this, check out Debra Katz's work.

On a subtle energetic level, other people sense when we're thinking about them. The more you obsess about him, the more uncomfortable he will be, and this will make him want to avoid you like the plague! If you really want a man to contact you, the best thing to do is disconnect. Just leave him alone, be done, move on! This worked for one of my clients who was sort of involved with a professional athlete. She noticed that he'd text or message her even more when she very strongly and clearly stopped thinking about him. I'm not saying this will make him want to be with you forever and ever, but I have seen cases where it really is beneficial. So get a manicure, go shopping, sign up for a dance class and take a weekend trip. Do whatever it takes to re-direct your thoughts and energy to get him out of your head!




7 comments:

  1. I saw where you're offering a course on this subject in my Daily Om and was intrigued by this whole "epidemic" as you called it. I've been obsessing about a guy for over a year now, and if I'd known I could have quit thinking about him in 28 days I'd have gone for it! It's ridiculous! I've done the whole routine over and over about why I made him leave, why it wouldn't work etc.(he said he was non-monogamous, I said I am) but he keeps popping up in my mind and heart, tho he's no where around and never will be again. What's this all about?? And now I'm reading the best seller by Gris Ryan, Sex At Dawn, and how monogamy is not normal, and I have to wonder how it is or why we get fixated on one "love"? I most definitely need mind and heart retraining, cuz this is making me crazy! Thanks. I'll try to rose visualization, since I can't go out and find a new boyfriend! Chris

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  2. Thanks. Yes, it's more common than you'd believe, and I've seen so, so many people go through the same thing you are. The whole monogamy thing is really super complicated, and has roots to our survival as a species. I hope you can take the course and get him off your mind! He doesn't deserve your time and attention!!! All the Best!!!

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  3. Just want you to know guys go through this to. It has been 3 and a half years. I am 64, she's 50 and we were together six years. I see her as she really is and she has plenty of flaws: selfish, insecure, afraid to open herself to real love. I have plenty of flaws too.

    But our six years together were amazing when things were going well.

    I made some choices due to feeling unloved that resulted in her deciding to leave me. She refuses any contact. Lives 8,000 miles away.

    I haven't yet found anyone to take her place and so live a celibate, loveless life.

    The good side is I have learned a lot. I don't need a relationship to be happy. Happiness is a choice. I have learned to be present, to think big, to slow dowm and listen more.

    But she is still in my head. I wish we could at least communicate. I have given up trying. I still care about her though. I don't think she will ever meet someone who loves her as much as I do.

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  4. I have been involved with a married man for over 6 mos. It has to stop. I poured my heart out and said I couldn't be second banana anymore. All he said is that he understands, but continues to want to make plans to travel, with me, etc. I HAVE to stop this to stop hurting and get my confidence back. I thought I could do it, just have fun, drink wine, listen to music together, but eventually I fell hard for him. Please help me stop obsessing about him. If I cut him off from phone calls and email, texts, will that bring him to me? Is it a lost cause? What can I do to make him see how he will miss me?

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      I know exactly what you're saying. Me too I've been in the same situation, but for me its an attachment and attraction and haven't gone past that. I think disconnecting with him is a good idea. Sometimes people make clear decisions when you give them space. You know what? Whether he loves you or not, will leave his wife or not...That decision he has about your relationship won't change. It's simple, if he wants to be with you, he needs to decide, all by himself. Make him feel the gap. I'm doing this too.

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  5. I purchased your lesson on My Daily Om, however I was wondering what advice you have for someone who still works with this person and had a long relationship.

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  6. Thank you so much for this excellent advice! Under Tip 1 I listed 15 of his flaws. I had been running through these regularly to remind myself not to obsess about him but the heartache kept on coming back, so that’s when I googled and found your advice. Under Tip 2 I slammed the door in his face (again) and said Goodbye, Freak! I like what I read in the first part of Tip 3 and will do this in a minute.

    I do, however, NOT want him to contact me, but I do strongly wish to disconnect. You see, I suspect that our connection is very much on the subtle energy level - I felt it before we even met in the flesh – and we could even be feeding each other with this emotional pain because I figure he may have had a difficult time dealing with the absence of my company also. We agreed to stop seeing e/o (1 month ago) because we never wanted to be a couple. Not each other's type, socially, culturally, etc. I miss his company, touch, etc. but I never want to see him again (he's the type that would just hang out with me while he's lonely and move on when he's met someone that he wants to get to know better, so that's why I went cold turkey, out of self-protection).

    My question: How can I disconnect without this resulting in his contacting me?

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